schizophrenia

I run around , the thin walls of this hospital, it saddens me that I now feel at home, if I do, then that only proves that I have declared defeat.

and that is something I dont ever intend on declaring

yes, they do all live within me, and I do admit so.

but dose that mean I have declared defeat, not as far as I know, but then again, most of the time I dont really know much.

The voices made there debut only 4 years ago, in comparecant to all the girls with me, I am a new comer apparently.

they form a fortress around your brain, locking thoughts and influences from coming in and out.

the whispers consumed all that surrounds me, they came out of the tv, the radio, at some point even the light bulb spoke to me, all announcing the same declaration, you are absolutely worthless, why should you even live.

at first I thought they were mere insecurities, scarcely anything to worry about.

tell my insecurities started talking to me taking the shapes of bizarre creatures.

it felt as if I was living in a prison of my own mind, aliens wanted to abduct me, terrorist held me hostage, all withing the few yards that are my apartment.

my mother came to visit me, only to discover the shrine which was my apartment and the disarray which was me.

she at first thought that I was on drugs, she tested me, and I passed.

there was only one other probability, one which she so grievously attempted to nudge away, however she eventually caved in and took me to the psychologist.

after further examination , the doctor spoke one word, that changed my life as I know it.

schizophrenia.

a mental illness , with side effects such as delusions and paranoia

the word schizophrenia became my life, it labeled me, consumed me, and took full control of every thought, hope, dream, nightmare.

oh yes, nightmare, I sure as hell had a whole lot of those.

all my writings became hallucination, my paintings blur, all passion turned into pure and utter hopless hatred.

my mother, recommended by my doctor, put me where I am, this mental institution, this hospital, this cage, this home.

it terrifies me, I consider it home, the girls here more friends to me my own sisters, the medicine better then any food, the nurses touch, better then my own mothers.

I am being discharged in a week, I wont go back, no to where I am all alone, under the complete mercy of my very own demons.

I wouldnt allow it.

"hello cassy" here it begins, ok, haah, hoooh, take another deep breath, haaah hoooh "doctor, oh doctor I need hepl I really need help" the doctor wasnt as concerned as I hoped, another breath"Benjamen franklin wants me to die doctor, I was reading a book yesterday, and he told me so, he says If I dont I am going to destroy this whole building, doctor I am afraid, everyone`s safety and well being is at risk! you must do something"

out of breath I just stared at him, now I could see genuine concern in his eyes, much more sincere then my own father`s who hasnt visited me once since I have been here, how am I suppose to leave, and head back to them.

"oh, relax cassy, its all going to be all right" he itched his bald spot, and whispers something to the nurse, who went to git my medication.

thank god.

I am not going any were.

I do realize this only emphasizes the level of my insanity,

But

it also sequres my happines.