sun rays

I try and find meaning, its almost pitiful, when I simply poor coffee in the morning, and it actually speaks to me, it tells me what kind of person I am.
a guy I know asked me "do you know why people write history and learn it" I blankly , lifelessly said "why" carelessly moving about my drink "because no one wants to be forgotten"
I was shaken.


"they all lie you know" I have heard it told over and over again, and let it slowly sink within my brain.
 and I had a few experiment of my own, to confirm the theory.
I had a heavy heart, I have been told, I never knew what it really meant, but it felt heavy, my heart that is.
I let a cigarette every moment or two, I smoke too much I know.
but if you scrap deeply within me, I am almost certain you`d end up with nothing but the scraps.
therefor the cutting down my drinking and smoking, would be awfully pointless.
might as well enjoy what I enjoy.

men, I do not like the ring of that word, and for a while, I hated what it meant.
they made me feel as if it was intensely impossible to love me, and only me, or to love me at all for that matter.

"Elizabeth nice to meet you, that is a beautiful name"  "its also a very common name" " not in France it isn't"
and just like that, I have abandoned all morals.
he was tall, and French, he had an accent, and some times he would say 'ot doog' instead of hot dog, I am not to be blamed.


I jump and under the table we crawl, his finger tips on my face, and I explode, within, intensely.
and I have never felt this way, never have I laughed, never have I cried, never have I felt, held, someone the way I have him.
but it is a fear I cannot face.
I have given him so much.
and he could much too easily take it away.

I was merely ordinary, and he was sun rays.